I have these dreams where David is still there and everything is good. everything feels so real... i'm at ease... then I wake up suddenly and expect him to be there...even though i know he's not. a part of me i guess still wants this to all be a nightmare that eventually i'll wake up from, but i know its never going to happen.
its heartbreaking to read somethings that the widows post because I'm feel the exact same way sometimes... in the dreams you want so badly for them to come back and be with you, and for everything to go back to the way it was... but maybe the way it was, wasn't the best for you.
i thought David would be mine forever. my one and only love... my true love, the one i was going to grow old with and watch our grandchildren from our rocking chairs on the porch drinking tea or something... we had a whole future planned. we were trying to add on to our family by trying to have a baby... man was that difficult. emotionally and physically and it definitely put a strain on our relationship. I'm not perfect, nor was he. That showed because he lost the battle within himself.
For some reason this tragedy happened in my life. I have yet to understand why. I have yes to understand why I have to start over in my life. To meet a new person. I tried with this guy named "Ralph". Yeah, didn't work well for me. So now its just time to work on myself some more and do me. I'm working. I start school in November. I'm hitting the gym. De-Cluttering my life. Trying to get my life together. So far its been working well for me. Yes I still have my bad days... I will always have my ups and downs, especially with this tragedy. Its unexplained, and horrible experience. Unfortunately it has changed me... I'm fragile, yet stronger.
Thankfully I'm feeling better... for now.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Family
Family... the people who are supposed to have your back and care for you no matter what... well in my case i can only count on a couple members of my family to actually be there for me. the other members of my family are nonexistent. yes, i will admit that i did some screwed up stuff in my life, but my family never seemed to get over it, doesn't matter how many times i apologize or anything they don't give a shit.
let me tell you something about my family, i have 2 "brothers". yes its in quotations because when it comes down to it, i really don't care about them. last year the bridge with them was completely burned. unfortunately, i hate to admit it, but if my brothers died or something tragic happened, i probably wouldn't be there for them. sad but true. i can honestly say that i have no love for my brothers what so ever. I'm angry at them and probably will never forgive them. i can't stand to even be around them. all i want to do when i see them is yell and scream at them for being assholes. my brothers did not attend my wedding, granted i didn't invite them. they could have come if they wanted, but it wasn't important to me that they were there. now them not coming to davids funeral or sending a text or a message or a card, now thats low. i don't give a shit who you are. that is something i could never forgive them for. ever. I'm sorry, but i can't. that was a low blow and the most disrespectful thing i have ever had happen in my life.
yes i know i was a screw up, probably according to my family still am. everyone wonders why i don't seek help or reach out to people, its because i have never felt comfortable in doing so. i hate confiding in people. i have always felt alone. i know its partly my fault because i push people away, but people just give up. as much as people say that they don't give up on someone. they do.
i was drowning. my family didn't care. i don't get phone calls from my "parents". i have to call them. they don't reach out to me. the only people i have received phone calls from to check on me is my grandma, and my real dad. 2 people out of an entire family.
my family didn't know that i was drowning. i went on drinking binges. drug binges. one night i got so drunk and took so many pills... i somehow got my truck home, and i don't remember hardly anything of that day.
nobody knows what i go through. nobody actually cares. i now know what it feels like to be abandoned by pretty much everyone who you thought loved you.
this is my life.
did you know not one of my family members brought me a home cooked meal. did you know one of my own family members accused me of shooting david. this is what i come from. i hate going to family functions because i feel like I'm not welcome. so this is my vent on my family, and now you all know why i don't do family functions or talk to my family.
let me tell you something about my family, i have 2 "brothers". yes its in quotations because when it comes down to it, i really don't care about them. last year the bridge with them was completely burned. unfortunately, i hate to admit it, but if my brothers died or something tragic happened, i probably wouldn't be there for them. sad but true. i can honestly say that i have no love for my brothers what so ever. I'm angry at them and probably will never forgive them. i can't stand to even be around them. all i want to do when i see them is yell and scream at them for being assholes. my brothers did not attend my wedding, granted i didn't invite them. they could have come if they wanted, but it wasn't important to me that they were there. now them not coming to davids funeral or sending a text or a message or a card, now thats low. i don't give a shit who you are. that is something i could never forgive them for. ever. I'm sorry, but i can't. that was a low blow and the most disrespectful thing i have ever had happen in my life.
yes i know i was a screw up, probably according to my family still am. everyone wonders why i don't seek help or reach out to people, its because i have never felt comfortable in doing so. i hate confiding in people. i have always felt alone. i know its partly my fault because i push people away, but people just give up. as much as people say that they don't give up on someone. they do.
i was drowning. my family didn't care. i don't get phone calls from my "parents". i have to call them. they don't reach out to me. the only people i have received phone calls from to check on me is my grandma, and my real dad. 2 people out of an entire family.
my family didn't know that i was drowning. i went on drinking binges. drug binges. one night i got so drunk and took so many pills... i somehow got my truck home, and i don't remember hardly anything of that day.
nobody knows what i go through. nobody actually cares. i now know what it feels like to be abandoned by pretty much everyone who you thought loved you.
this is my life.
did you know not one of my family members brought me a home cooked meal. did you know one of my own family members accused me of shooting david. this is what i come from. i hate going to family functions because i feel like I'm not welcome. so this is my vent on my family, and now you all know why i don't do family functions or talk to my family.
emotionally distraught
just to keep in mind, i wrote this before mothers day and just forgot to post it. i feel like i have lost EVERYTHING that mattered most in my life. my husband was my favorite person in the world. i never got to meet our child. not a day goes by that i wish we could have met our beautiful child. maybe my life would have turned out different. . .
i lost my child and my husband in the same year. the same fucking year! i lost my family. the family that we were in the process of making! i never get to see my husbands daughter, she was a part of our family as well. she was so excited at the thought of david and i bringing a child into this world. she kept telling us how much she wanted a little sister. it breaks my heart so much that i lost my little family. i just feel like i keep losing at life. i hate when people keep asking me if I'm okay. somedays I'm not. others i am.
when people ask me if "I'm okay" sometimes i want to scream: NO! IM NOT OKAY! STOP ASKING ME! I AM NOT OKAY! IM MAD AND UPSET AND PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD BECAUSE THIS HAPPENED TO ME! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! CAN YOU TELL ME THAT? GO LIVE YOUR PERFECT LITTLE LIFE WITH YOUR PERFECT HUSBAND AND KIDS! MY FAMILY IS IN HEAVEN. MY HUSBAND AND MY CHILD THAT WE CREATED TOGETHER ARE IN HEAVEN AND NOT BY MY CHOICE. I LOST EVERYTHING. would you be okay?
i have my days where i just want to scream and yell. i have my days that my heart hurts so much that i can't stand it. i constantly feel like its broken and bleeding. i have my days when i cry and it hurts so much that i literally can't stand and i'll just lie on the floor and just cry. i constantly feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down. its like I'm drowning and can't catch a breath. its like the light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting further and further away.
i have my days where all i want to do is lay in bed and be held and cry but i have no one to make me feel safe. i have no one reassuring me that everything will be okay. i have no one to run to at any second of the day.
mothers day is coming up, so not only do i get to remember that I'm childless, but i don't have my husband either. what a great and awesome thing to think about. another thing is its Tyler's birthday. he used to be my best friend before i met david, we laughed, we talked, we had a special place where we would go and just talk, about anything and everything (somewhere only we know...). it was picture perfect. we would swing on the swings at the park, he'd push me, if the sprinklers were on he'd grab me and throw me over his shoulder and try to get me sprayed, as i was laughing and screaming. we had so much fun. i loved tyler he was a great guy an amazing friend. we were always there for each other. through thick and thin.
we used to joke that if we weren't married in 10 years that we'd marry each other, but when i met david that was vetoed. i loved david more than any man on earth. on march 26, 2010 tyler passed away. I've lost more than anyone could ever know. i remember calling david because he was out of state doing training for the army in missouri telling him tyler had passed away. david knew the friendship tyler and i had prior to me meeting david, he knew that we were close. i remember crying on the phone to david and him trying to comfort me. i lost my dear friend, and my BEST FRIEND in the whole world within a year and half of each other. talk about heart ache.
at tylers funeral when i hugged tylers dad, he held me tight and told me that he was so grateful that tyler had a friend like me. that he was thankful that i was in tyler's life. sometimes i miss him soooo much. i know he'd be here for me like he always was. no matter what. if he couldn't be here in person, he was texting me or calling me and we'd talk to for hours on end until i was calm or settled and good with life again. i can't even count the times when we'd call each other when everything in life seemed to just go wrong. i miss just having someone to help me feel safe even if its just for a little bit.
to help take my mind of everything.
to breathe and relax.
that's all i want.
i lost my child and my husband in the same year. the same fucking year! i lost my family. the family that we were in the process of making! i never get to see my husbands daughter, she was a part of our family as well. she was so excited at the thought of david and i bringing a child into this world. she kept telling us how much she wanted a little sister. it breaks my heart so much that i lost my little family. i just feel like i keep losing at life. i hate when people keep asking me if I'm okay. somedays I'm not. others i am.
when people ask me if "I'm okay" sometimes i want to scream: NO! IM NOT OKAY! STOP ASKING ME! I AM NOT OKAY! IM MAD AND UPSET AND PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD BECAUSE THIS HAPPENED TO ME! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! CAN YOU TELL ME THAT? GO LIVE YOUR PERFECT LITTLE LIFE WITH YOUR PERFECT HUSBAND AND KIDS! MY FAMILY IS IN HEAVEN. MY HUSBAND AND MY CHILD THAT WE CREATED TOGETHER ARE IN HEAVEN AND NOT BY MY CHOICE. I LOST EVERYTHING. would you be okay?
i have my days where i just want to scream and yell. i have my days that my heart hurts so much that i can't stand it. i constantly feel like its broken and bleeding. i have my days when i cry and it hurts so much that i literally can't stand and i'll just lie on the floor and just cry. i constantly feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down. its like I'm drowning and can't catch a breath. its like the light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting further and further away.
i have my days where all i want to do is lay in bed and be held and cry but i have no one to make me feel safe. i have no one reassuring me that everything will be okay. i have no one to run to at any second of the day.
mothers day is coming up, so not only do i get to remember that I'm childless, but i don't have my husband either. what a great and awesome thing to think about. another thing is its Tyler's birthday. he used to be my best friend before i met david, we laughed, we talked, we had a special place where we would go and just talk, about anything and everything (somewhere only we know...). it was picture perfect. we would swing on the swings at the park, he'd push me, if the sprinklers were on he'd grab me and throw me over his shoulder and try to get me sprayed, as i was laughing and screaming. we had so much fun. i loved tyler he was a great guy an amazing friend. we were always there for each other. through thick and thin.
we used to joke that if we weren't married in 10 years that we'd marry each other, but when i met david that was vetoed. i loved david more than any man on earth. on march 26, 2010 tyler passed away. I've lost more than anyone could ever know. i remember calling david because he was out of state doing training for the army in missouri telling him tyler had passed away. david knew the friendship tyler and i had prior to me meeting david, he knew that we were close. i remember crying on the phone to david and him trying to comfort me. i lost my dear friend, and my BEST FRIEND in the whole world within a year and half of each other. talk about heart ache.
at tylers funeral when i hugged tylers dad, he held me tight and told me that he was so grateful that tyler had a friend like me. that he was thankful that i was in tyler's life. sometimes i miss him soooo much. i know he'd be here for me like he always was. no matter what. if he couldn't be here in person, he was texting me or calling me and we'd talk to for hours on end until i was calm or settled and good with life again. i can't even count the times when we'd call each other when everything in life seemed to just go wrong. i miss just having someone to help me feel safe even if its just for a little bit.
to help take my mind of everything.
to breathe and relax.
that's all i want.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
moving forward
i have been thinking about this lately... my perfect, ideal man. i thought i had met the man of my dreams, but that was short lived, and apparently we weren't supposed to have our "happily ever after"... although i have been married once before, i know what i can have, and what i want in my life as a man. i was married to an outstanding soldier, husband and father. physically the guy has to be attractive to me. personally i like dark hair, dark eyes, but i will admit there are other guys out there who are just as attractive, like guys with dark hair and blue eyes, and the list goes on... the first thing that all relationships need is TRUST. without trust, the relationship is not even worth it.
the next thing a relationship needs is LOYALTY which also ties in with FAITHFULNESS. also, HUMOR is a must. i love a guy who can make me smile and laugh no matter how ridiculous he is. a guy who is fun, who will do random things with you, whether its listening to justin bieber in the car, riding dirt bikes, hanging out watching movies, going for random drives, and the list goes on...
I'm an easy girl to please, most of the time. i voice my feelings, i tell people when I'm upset with them, or if they did something wrong. i try to be more open, but its so hard to put yourself out there, knowing that every single time you do someone is going to hurt you. i've never been in this much pain emotionally in my entire life, and i went through some stuff in my life. its like you meet a guy, think he's a pretty decent guy. you hang out a few times, watch movies, talk or whatever it is you do, you start getting attached, not because you want to, but because you think it feels right, and that it maybe okay and turn out alright, but it seems if you don't sleep with them, they lose interest. then you wonder were they really interested at all or did they just want to get into your pants... so to speak. its not the fact that you don't want to, but emotionally you can't handle it and you are just trying to protect yourself. yeah its a sin of the flesh but we are human.
we make mistakes, we give into those temptations. we aren't perfect. i know for damn sure I'm not perfect. far from it. I'm REALLY scared of guys. i like them as friends, and i like them at a distance, but i can't be intimate like share personal things or give up a piece of myself. i can't seem to fathom being in a relationship because of all the guys I've met recently. i thought i had it all. i married the man i thought i was going to be with forever. how am i ever going to find a guy who measures up to him or even is half the man he was, or even if its somehow possible, better than he was... i do expect a lot in a man. i don't want to date boys who are just out chasing tail or whatever. i want a guy who is stable, and knows how to treat a lady. someone who was raised right. someone who is a gentleman, who i can laugh with, smile when i think about him, want to see and talk to him, someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what i look like or what i wear. someone who likes me for my personality not how pretty i am or whatever.
i want someone who will respect me and not be strictly physical, i need someone who fulfills my mental and emotional needs. someone i can have a genuine deep and meaningful conversation with. i need someone i can trust and make me feel safe. someone who can deal with the fact that i am a widow, and losing my husband wasn't a choice. yes i'm always going to love him, but i'll love the next guy differently and if we happen to be together longer than david and i were together, it maybe a deeper kind of love. I'm always going to have good days and bad days. i need a guy who isn't intimated by the fact that i have a deceased husband and isn't always trying to compete with him. there are qualities I'm always going to love in david that the other guy may not have, because they aren't the same people. if i could marry david all over again, i would in a heartbeat, but that's not going to happen. i know that this experience has helped me grow and become a different and more mature person.
I'm never going to see david again, I'm never going to hear his voice again, I'm never going to feel his touch again. all i have left are some material items, photos and memories. the new guy has no competition whatsoever. its not like david could ever win me back, because he's gone. he's not coming back.
I'm a WIDOW. people do not come back from the dead. the only place he is now is in my memories, and my heart, sometimes i dream about him, but they are starting to fade. he's starting to fade. yes i have my days that i breakdown with a gut wrenching cry that hurts my heart and i'll cry for hours on my bathroom floor, because other than my car, that's the only place that i feel safe. i don't know why. sometimes i wish i could just go somewhere and never come back, but no matter where i go i can't run from myself. i know i have to deal with my problems head on. honestly i haven't really slept in a week.
I'm constantly tired. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of having nobody around. I feel like I'm constantly fighting everything by myself. i make an effort to maintain my friendships, but they don't make that same effort. some times i feel like i made a mistake staying in idaho. i know with my past and with losing david, being with me is going to be complicated, but they have to think I'm worth it, sometimes i don't think I'm worth it, i feel like I'm too damaged and that I'm just a hassle and it scares guys off. i can't help that I'm a widow, and that i lost my husband. it wasn't my choice but they make me feel like its my fault. like I'm damaged goods. it sucks. it really does.
i rarely go out, i'm having a harder time trying to get out and do things, especially things i loved, like riding dirt bikes. i feel like i have no motivation, maybe its because i haven't slept in weeks, but sometimes it would be nice just to have that one person who makes you feel safe, who's there to comfort you and hold you when your world is falling apart... to kiss your forehead, wipe your tears, to make you feel like there s going to be sunshine after the rain, make you feel like you can keep driving on and say that everything will be okay.
thats all i ask for.
the next thing a relationship needs is LOYALTY which also ties in with FAITHFULNESS. also, HUMOR is a must. i love a guy who can make me smile and laugh no matter how ridiculous he is. a guy who is fun, who will do random things with you, whether its listening to justin bieber in the car, riding dirt bikes, hanging out watching movies, going for random drives, and the list goes on...
I'm an easy girl to please, most of the time. i voice my feelings, i tell people when I'm upset with them, or if they did something wrong. i try to be more open, but its so hard to put yourself out there, knowing that every single time you do someone is going to hurt you. i've never been in this much pain emotionally in my entire life, and i went through some stuff in my life. its like you meet a guy, think he's a pretty decent guy. you hang out a few times, watch movies, talk or whatever it is you do, you start getting attached, not because you want to, but because you think it feels right, and that it maybe okay and turn out alright, but it seems if you don't sleep with them, they lose interest. then you wonder were they really interested at all or did they just want to get into your pants... so to speak. its not the fact that you don't want to, but emotionally you can't handle it and you are just trying to protect yourself. yeah its a sin of the flesh but we are human.
we make mistakes, we give into those temptations. we aren't perfect. i know for damn sure I'm not perfect. far from it. I'm REALLY scared of guys. i like them as friends, and i like them at a distance, but i can't be intimate like share personal things or give up a piece of myself. i can't seem to fathom being in a relationship because of all the guys I've met recently. i thought i had it all. i married the man i thought i was going to be with forever. how am i ever going to find a guy who measures up to him or even is half the man he was, or even if its somehow possible, better than he was... i do expect a lot in a man. i don't want to date boys who are just out chasing tail or whatever. i want a guy who is stable, and knows how to treat a lady. someone who was raised right. someone who is a gentleman, who i can laugh with, smile when i think about him, want to see and talk to him, someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what i look like or what i wear. someone who likes me for my personality not how pretty i am or whatever.
i want someone who will respect me and not be strictly physical, i need someone who fulfills my mental and emotional needs. someone i can have a genuine deep and meaningful conversation with. i need someone i can trust and make me feel safe. someone who can deal with the fact that i am a widow, and losing my husband wasn't a choice. yes i'm always going to love him, but i'll love the next guy differently and if we happen to be together longer than david and i were together, it maybe a deeper kind of love. I'm always going to have good days and bad days. i need a guy who isn't intimated by the fact that i have a deceased husband and isn't always trying to compete with him. there are qualities I'm always going to love in david that the other guy may not have, because they aren't the same people. if i could marry david all over again, i would in a heartbeat, but that's not going to happen. i know that this experience has helped me grow and become a different and more mature person.
I'm never going to see david again, I'm never going to hear his voice again, I'm never going to feel his touch again. all i have left are some material items, photos and memories. the new guy has no competition whatsoever. its not like david could ever win me back, because he's gone. he's not coming back.
I'm a WIDOW. people do not come back from the dead. the only place he is now is in my memories, and my heart, sometimes i dream about him, but they are starting to fade. he's starting to fade. yes i have my days that i breakdown with a gut wrenching cry that hurts my heart and i'll cry for hours on my bathroom floor, because other than my car, that's the only place that i feel safe. i don't know why. sometimes i wish i could just go somewhere and never come back, but no matter where i go i can't run from myself. i know i have to deal with my problems head on. honestly i haven't really slept in a week.
I'm constantly tired. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of having nobody around. I feel like I'm constantly fighting everything by myself. i make an effort to maintain my friendships, but they don't make that same effort. some times i feel like i made a mistake staying in idaho. i know with my past and with losing david, being with me is going to be complicated, but they have to think I'm worth it, sometimes i don't think I'm worth it, i feel like I'm too damaged and that I'm just a hassle and it scares guys off. i can't help that I'm a widow, and that i lost my husband. it wasn't my choice but they make me feel like its my fault. like I'm damaged goods. it sucks. it really does.
i rarely go out, i'm having a harder time trying to get out and do things, especially things i loved, like riding dirt bikes. i feel like i have no motivation, maybe its because i haven't slept in weeks, but sometimes it would be nice just to have that one person who makes you feel safe, who's there to comfort you and hold you when your world is falling apart... to kiss your forehead, wipe your tears, to make you feel like there s going to be sunshine after the rain, make you feel like you can keep driving on and say that everything will be okay.
thats all i ask for.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
My Story
I feel that i don't think enough ppl know what i have been through and they are judging me, i don't feel as if i need to explain myself, but let me give you a glimpse into my life and what i have been going through the past 6 months of my life.
Friday, July 15, 2011- The washer broke and ran over again... flooded the house. david was coming home from work and was in a good mood until i told that the washer flooded the house. we fixed that mess...
Saturday July 16, 2011- We went to Silver City for the first time together with our church, we had a great day, went to silver city, then came home and made dinner together and went to bed and cuddled and watched tv and had some good conversation.
Sunday July 17, 2011- We took the dogs to the lake, then met up with our friend Eric, and went boating.
On Monday, July 18, 2011 my husband David woke up at 5:30am for PT at the YMCA in Boise. He showered, gathered his things, kissed my forehead goodbye and told me he loved me. We had a pretty quiet day of not really any texting or calling. I texted him when i woke up and told him, "I love you baby with all my heart. Forever and Always." He texted me back, "i love u 2." A few hours later, he texted me, " I love you so much Jenny." i texted him, " i love you very much too. :)" we then talked about how our dog Jaeger like the duck toy i bought him over the chicken toy david had bought him... the last text i ever received from my husband was, "yes you were right."
David arrived home earlier than i expected, he walked through the door at about 5:15pm/ 5:30pm. I remember being surprised when he came home early because usually he'd call me and tell me. i remember looking at him and saying, "hi baby, you're home early..." he said, yeah. then he told that he had went to sports authority where he had bought a new watch, and a scorebook for his Army Softball team that he was involved in with the other recruiters.
He asked me what time it was. i told him it was 5:30. Then he asked me after he had taken a shower and laid down in bed to take a nap if he had gone to work that day... i told him, yeah you went to work that day... he went to sleep for a little bit, and i laid in bed next to him, and he woke up and asked me what time he had gotten home. i said, babe, you got home at 5:30. then he asked if he had gone to work that day... i was like, uh yeah you went to work today, what do you think you did? he went back to sleep. i got up and put my shoes on and woke him up and told him i was going to the store and kissed him goodbye and told him id be back soon. i called my best friend, and explained to her what was going on and i was freaking out, because he seemed confused and it was freaking me out.
after an hour later, i came home and checked on david, told him i was home. i asked him if he wanted me to make him dinner, he said no. i also asked him if he was going to get his uniform and stuff ready to go to work the next day, he said "yeah, in a minute." a little while later he had gotten up, gotten his uniform ready and put into the car, he asked me if i was going to drive him to work and i said yeah because i needed the car, (his was out of commission at the time.) after he had gotten his uniform ready he had hung it in my car.
i started to make dinner and asked him if he wanted any and he told me no. he went to lay down, a few minutes later he got up and walked to the fridge and drank lemonade out of the carton! (that drove me nuts) he went back to bed, i finished making dinner, turned on the tv and started eating. i noticed the door was open and at our house the tv was hooked up to surround sound so no matter what level the tv is on, it sounds loud.
he got up to shut the door, minutes later i was about to get up to get some ice for this blueberry/pomagrante tea i had found when my world came crashing down...
i heard a gun shot.
i heard a thud.
i thought the worst.
called 911.
opened the door to my bedroom...
there i find my husband, bleeding from his head, between his eyes. my worst nightmare had come to life... my husband just tried to kill himself.
i ran to him, grabbed some clothes, applied them to the wound, looked around him to see if there was an exit wound. looked to see where the gun was. he had used a .22 caliber rife, the one he had bought me as an anniversary present for us being together for 2 years. as i was talking to the operator, his eyes began to turn black and swell shut. blood was coming out of his nose, i kept wiping his face, blood was starting to come out of his mouth... he was starting to have trouble breathing, he was drowning in his own blood. his body started to curl, and i thought i was starting to lose him. i shoved some clothes under his head to help clear his airway. then i rolled him onto his side, my feet propped up against his body to create some leverage, and me pulling on his arm.
shortly the police showed up, and the cop was more worried about my dog that was running around then my husband bleeding out the floor. i looked at him and asked if he was going to do his job so i could take care of the dog. after i had done that, i tried going back into the bedroom, which the cops refused, and made me stay in the kitchen. my hands and my arms up to my elbows were covered in blood. i asked the police chaplain if i could wash myself off. he said yes, i asked if they need pictures or anything, and he assured me they did not. a few moments later the ambulance arrived, stabilized him and took him.
the police made me leave the premises. i immediately called davids commander, followed by my father, who i called and i asked what he was doing, and he told me he was working, i said, i need you to go to St. Als right now. he asked why, i said, david just shot himself in the head, and i need someone to be there because the police wanted to question me. i then called david's father and told him the same news. his father then hung up on me.
the police took me down to the station for questioning... on my way there david's doctor had called and told me that they needed to perform emergency surgery called a hemi craniotomy, it would relieve the pressure on the brain from the swelling from the bullet entering. a hemi craniotomy is where they remove half the skull to let the brain to swell. i told the doctor to do any means necessary to save david's life.
i was at the police station from about 9:30 to 4 in the morning. they would not let me go to see my husband. all i wanted to do is be at the hospital so i could be there for my husband, but the police wouldn't let me go.
at 4 am my best friend picked me up, we went to the house to get my car, and then hauled ass to the hospital. my family was there, his family was there, our pastor was there, and a lot of army personal. my dad met me and asked me if i wanted to see david, he told me to prepare for the worst. david was in the ICU.
my dad and i walked to davids room, when i saw david i didn't believe that was my husband, his head was so swollen, he had tubes coming out of him everywhere. he was on life support, he wasn't breathing on his own. i looked at my dad in disbelief. this wasn't my husband. i didn't recognize him, until i walked up to him and slipped my hand into his, and looked at his face and saw those moles i loved so much, felt the familiarity of his hand in mine. then it hit me, my husband tried to kill himself... to avoid my emotions, i started going into work mode, and trying to get things figured out...
the next day or so, his neuro doctor told us that the bullet had bounced off the back of his skull and ricocheted all over the 4 lobes of the left side of his brain. my husband was heavily sedated, and wouldn't remember anything, my husband was in a state of comatois. he also told us that my husband was never going to be the same. the doctor said he may not even remember a lot of things, he may forget ppl, places and other things. i was devastated, my whole world was gone, and was in a vegetable state. as the doctor was talking i was worried that my husband wouldn't remember me or anything, i then just wanted to get out of this room that the doctor had us in... i felt like running and bawling my eyes out. as soon as the doctor had left i walked briskly out to my car, and just started crying. i couldn't handle the fact that i had pretty much lost my husband and everything i had loved, he was not going to be able to talk, walk or really do anything on his own. best case scenario he would have to be taken care of like a baby or toddler for the rest of his life. everything for him would be a struggle.
david was in the hospital for 4 months until he passed away on Nov. 10, 2011. within that 4 month time period, his father tried taking david away from me. a court battle later, his father had no grounds to take my husband away from me, he tried blaming everything on me. failed to mention that his son had talked to him about killing himself in march. so between the legal battle with david's family and seeing my husband suffer for 4 months not being able to walk, talk, eat or even wipe his own butt. people judged me, and said hateful things about me, and spread rumors about me. i was not only trying to take care of my husband, i was trying to take care of myself. nobody knows how many nights i have cried, because my husband was never going to be by my side ever again. i had and still have nightmares because of finding my husband bleeding out on the floor of our bedroom. i spent, days, weeks, and months of my life inside of a hospital trying to make my husbands life as easy as possible. 2 weeks before david died, he developed an infection in his brain which spread throughout his whole body and the doctors could not get it under control, he was having fevers up into 105 range, which with the severity of his brain injury pretty much fried his brain, and was losing all that he had left in his brain. i watched my husband deteriorate after we took him off life support. no food. no water. no medicine. they just made him comfortable enough so he could go in peace. we had to make that decision to take him off. no spouse should ever have to help make that decision it took him 4 days to pass after we took him off. people need to think before they judge me, and get my story and what i've been through and what emotional turmoil i've been through, especially the past 9 months of my life. so before you judge me and my life, get the whole story.
Friday, July 15, 2011- The washer broke and ran over again... flooded the house. david was coming home from work and was in a good mood until i told that the washer flooded the house. we fixed that mess...
Saturday July 16, 2011- We went to Silver City for the first time together with our church, we had a great day, went to silver city, then came home and made dinner together and went to bed and cuddled and watched tv and had some good conversation.
Sunday July 17, 2011- We took the dogs to the lake, then met up with our friend Eric, and went boating.
On Monday, July 18, 2011 my husband David woke up at 5:30am for PT at the YMCA in Boise. He showered, gathered his things, kissed my forehead goodbye and told me he loved me. We had a pretty quiet day of not really any texting or calling. I texted him when i woke up and told him, "I love you baby with all my heart. Forever and Always." He texted me back, "i love u 2." A few hours later, he texted me, " I love you so much Jenny." i texted him, " i love you very much too. :)" we then talked about how our dog Jaeger like the duck toy i bought him over the chicken toy david had bought him... the last text i ever received from my husband was, "yes you were right."
David arrived home earlier than i expected, he walked through the door at about 5:15pm/ 5:30pm. I remember being surprised when he came home early because usually he'd call me and tell me. i remember looking at him and saying, "hi baby, you're home early..." he said, yeah. then he told that he had went to sports authority where he had bought a new watch, and a scorebook for his Army Softball team that he was involved in with the other recruiters.
He asked me what time it was. i told him it was 5:30. Then he asked me after he had taken a shower and laid down in bed to take a nap if he had gone to work that day... i told him, yeah you went to work that day... he went to sleep for a little bit, and i laid in bed next to him, and he woke up and asked me what time he had gotten home. i said, babe, you got home at 5:30. then he asked if he had gone to work that day... i was like, uh yeah you went to work today, what do you think you did? he went back to sleep. i got up and put my shoes on and woke him up and told him i was going to the store and kissed him goodbye and told him id be back soon. i called my best friend, and explained to her what was going on and i was freaking out, because he seemed confused and it was freaking me out.
after an hour later, i came home and checked on david, told him i was home. i asked him if he wanted me to make him dinner, he said no. i also asked him if he was going to get his uniform and stuff ready to go to work the next day, he said "yeah, in a minute." a little while later he had gotten up, gotten his uniform ready and put into the car, he asked me if i was going to drive him to work and i said yeah because i needed the car, (his was out of commission at the time.) after he had gotten his uniform ready he had hung it in my car.
i started to make dinner and asked him if he wanted any and he told me no. he went to lay down, a few minutes later he got up and walked to the fridge and drank lemonade out of the carton! (that drove me nuts) he went back to bed, i finished making dinner, turned on the tv and started eating. i noticed the door was open and at our house the tv was hooked up to surround sound so no matter what level the tv is on, it sounds loud.
he got up to shut the door, minutes later i was about to get up to get some ice for this blueberry/pomagrante tea i had found when my world came crashing down...
i heard a gun shot.
i heard a thud.
i thought the worst.
called 911.
opened the door to my bedroom...
there i find my husband, bleeding from his head, between his eyes. my worst nightmare had come to life... my husband just tried to kill himself.
i ran to him, grabbed some clothes, applied them to the wound, looked around him to see if there was an exit wound. looked to see where the gun was. he had used a .22 caliber rife, the one he had bought me as an anniversary present for us being together for 2 years. as i was talking to the operator, his eyes began to turn black and swell shut. blood was coming out of his nose, i kept wiping his face, blood was starting to come out of his mouth... he was starting to have trouble breathing, he was drowning in his own blood. his body started to curl, and i thought i was starting to lose him. i shoved some clothes under his head to help clear his airway. then i rolled him onto his side, my feet propped up against his body to create some leverage, and me pulling on his arm.
shortly the police showed up, and the cop was more worried about my dog that was running around then my husband bleeding out the floor. i looked at him and asked if he was going to do his job so i could take care of the dog. after i had done that, i tried going back into the bedroom, which the cops refused, and made me stay in the kitchen. my hands and my arms up to my elbows were covered in blood. i asked the police chaplain if i could wash myself off. he said yes, i asked if they need pictures or anything, and he assured me they did not. a few moments later the ambulance arrived, stabilized him and took him.
the police made me leave the premises. i immediately called davids commander, followed by my father, who i called and i asked what he was doing, and he told me he was working, i said, i need you to go to St. Als right now. he asked why, i said, david just shot himself in the head, and i need someone to be there because the police wanted to question me. i then called david's father and told him the same news. his father then hung up on me.
the police took me down to the station for questioning... on my way there david's doctor had called and told me that they needed to perform emergency surgery called a hemi craniotomy, it would relieve the pressure on the brain from the swelling from the bullet entering. a hemi craniotomy is where they remove half the skull to let the brain to swell. i told the doctor to do any means necessary to save david's life.
i was at the police station from about 9:30 to 4 in the morning. they would not let me go to see my husband. all i wanted to do is be at the hospital so i could be there for my husband, but the police wouldn't let me go.
at 4 am my best friend picked me up, we went to the house to get my car, and then hauled ass to the hospital. my family was there, his family was there, our pastor was there, and a lot of army personal. my dad met me and asked me if i wanted to see david, he told me to prepare for the worst. david was in the ICU.
my dad and i walked to davids room, when i saw david i didn't believe that was my husband, his head was so swollen, he had tubes coming out of him everywhere. he was on life support, he wasn't breathing on his own. i looked at my dad in disbelief. this wasn't my husband. i didn't recognize him, until i walked up to him and slipped my hand into his, and looked at his face and saw those moles i loved so much, felt the familiarity of his hand in mine. then it hit me, my husband tried to kill himself... to avoid my emotions, i started going into work mode, and trying to get things figured out...
the next day or so, his neuro doctor told us that the bullet had bounced off the back of his skull and ricocheted all over the 4 lobes of the left side of his brain. my husband was heavily sedated, and wouldn't remember anything, my husband was in a state of comatois. he also told us that my husband was never going to be the same. the doctor said he may not even remember a lot of things, he may forget ppl, places and other things. i was devastated, my whole world was gone, and was in a vegetable state. as the doctor was talking i was worried that my husband wouldn't remember me or anything, i then just wanted to get out of this room that the doctor had us in... i felt like running and bawling my eyes out. as soon as the doctor had left i walked briskly out to my car, and just started crying. i couldn't handle the fact that i had pretty much lost my husband and everything i had loved, he was not going to be able to talk, walk or really do anything on his own. best case scenario he would have to be taken care of like a baby or toddler for the rest of his life. everything for him would be a struggle.
david was in the hospital for 4 months until he passed away on Nov. 10, 2011. within that 4 month time period, his father tried taking david away from me. a court battle later, his father had no grounds to take my husband away from me, he tried blaming everything on me. failed to mention that his son had talked to him about killing himself in march. so between the legal battle with david's family and seeing my husband suffer for 4 months not being able to walk, talk, eat or even wipe his own butt. people judged me, and said hateful things about me, and spread rumors about me. i was not only trying to take care of my husband, i was trying to take care of myself. nobody knows how many nights i have cried, because my husband was never going to be by my side ever again. i had and still have nightmares because of finding my husband bleeding out on the floor of our bedroom. i spent, days, weeks, and months of my life inside of a hospital trying to make my husbands life as easy as possible. 2 weeks before david died, he developed an infection in his brain which spread throughout his whole body and the doctors could not get it under control, he was having fevers up into 105 range, which with the severity of his brain injury pretty much fried his brain, and was losing all that he had left in his brain. i watched my husband deteriorate after we took him off life support. no food. no water. no medicine. they just made him comfortable enough so he could go in peace. we had to make that decision to take him off. no spouse should ever have to help make that decision it took him 4 days to pass after we took him off. people need to think before they judge me, and get my story and what i've been through and what emotional turmoil i've been through, especially the past 9 months of my life. so before you judge me and my life, get the whole story.
grieving
its rough.
to feel emotional all the time. to feel lost, abandoned, confused, sad, lonely, isolated... so many feelings and emotions go through your head and your heart. you have good days and you have bad days. you reach out and try to talk to friends, and they just blow you off because its the same story, different day.
how do you cope with losing a spouse? especially a spouse who was in the military, and a spouse who took their own life? how do you get over something like that? they left you, without any warning, no letter, no reason why.
no matter who you talk to, your friends, family, unless they've been through the situation, they don't understand what you are going through. yes we have all lost people in our lives, but don't compare apples to apples. most of my friends haven't had a big as loss as myself. they lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, whatever... i chose to love my husband, i chose to marry him, to be his best friend. you don't choose your family. you willingly give your heart to someone with the intent of forever, and "happily ever after". you willingly choose to spend your life with them, to love them, honor them, cherish them, till death do you part. you don't think that you are going to lose your spouse after one year of marriage. just beginning, newly weds. we had our whole lives ahead of each other. in a split second that was ripped from me. i didn't do anything wrong, or anything to deserve what he did.
you constantly feel alone. you look around your house, hoping that they will walk around the corner. you fall asleep an night wishing that they were there next to you. you wake up from nightmares looking for them, hoping they will be there to wrap their arms around you, kiss your forehead and make you feel safe again. you have good dreams and wake up and want to tell them, but they aren't there. you go to all the same spots you loved and everything around that place reminds you of them.
i can't see a uniform and not think of my husband, and wanting to hold him again. to smell his smell. feel his touch. to feel his lips pressed against mine.
you sit in the shower as the water pours down your skin and your face, as tears run down your face because you know that you are never going to have those things ever again. you sleep constantly because you hope for that dream where you get to see their face, and feel their touch, just one last time. there are times you don't sleep because you are afraid of the nightmares you will have. you constantly think what did you do wrong?
you sometimes just get so overwhelmed, that you just collapse on your bedroom floor, or your closet and just cry, and you cry so hard and so much, its gut wrenching. you feel like you are suffocating, you cry so much you can't breathe. you feel so alone as the tears fall, you wish so much that someone where there to hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. that you will make it through.
the human touch is so powerful, a simple hug during a time of hardship can help someone more than they could imagine.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
relationships and death
i miss cuddling.
i miss the random conversations that are pointless but bring lots of laugher.
i miss that smile you get when you look at someone special.
i miss those random from behind surprise hugs.
i miss those comforting forehead kisses that you get when you feel like your whole world was falling down.
i miss those kisses when you would disagree with something they said.
i miss that amazing passionate kiss.
i miss the intimacy of just laying in bed and having deep conversations.
i miss just randomly watching a movie, just because.
i miss holding hands in public, or when laying in bed, when cuddling was too warm.
i miss those long comforting hugs.
i miss calling someone mine.
i miss feeling special to someone. like i was their whole world for those few moments.
sometimes i feel like I'm too damaged to be good for anyone. i feel like david is going to be my one and only. that he was the only one who accepted me for who i am. i know I'm not perfect. I'm far from it, but when i was with him, he made me feel like I was the most perfect girl in the whole world. he wasn't perfect, but he seemed like he was perfect for me. i don't know if i get a second chance at love or not in life, i mean I'm only 22 years old! i have my whole life ahead of me. i have the potential to do some thing great in my life. meet someone else and fulfill my life with them... its just so weird to me. i never really understood why bad things happen to people. bad things happen to amazing people.
my grandma jean, was an amazing woman. she was loved by everyone, and she had the most caring personality i had ever met in someone. she instantly made you feel comfortable and that she really truly cared. she was diagnosed with lou gerigs disease. for a couple years she went down hill before passing away. why? what did she do to deserve that? we never understand why things happen.
we don't understand why God allows us to endure such pain. some people can't handle life, and end up taking it into their own hands and removing themselves from the life they were given and break everybody's hearts around them. they commit a selfish act without thinking about how it will affect anybody else. a husband/wife, children, parents, etc. NO parent should ever have to bury their child. losing a child is one of the worst things anybody could ever experience. as much as i HATE my in laws, it sucks for them.
losing a husband/wife, spouse, that hurts very very much. especially when they take their own life. you don't understand why, you sometimes feel like it was partly your fault that you didn't pick up on something, that you didn't do more than you should have, that you should have done, this or that, as if it would have made a difference.
losing a mom or a dad... i lost my mom, but i didn't know her very well, so it didn't affect me, and my mom didn't have a choice, she died from cancer. i can't imagine what my stepdaughter is going to be like when everything sinks in. it breaks my heart every time i think about her not having david around. sydney and david had a good relationship for a father and a daughter. i definitely don't think its fair that sydney will grow up without her dad. that's what I'm the most angry about it.
I'm still processing david's death, I'm more angry at him than anything else right now. i know in time i'll forgive him for what he did. but i think it was very selfish thing for him to do.
when you think your life is horrible, think about how many people would trade you for the life you have. how many wish they had the things you had. i see people who have great family connections, someone who adores them, great personal relationships with people who actually care about them, and all they care about is money and how to get more, and how they wish they could trade their life with someone else who was so called "rich". pfffft. if i had all the money in the world, i would give it all up for relationships with people. thats the most enriching thing you could ever have. it doesn't matter what you have, money and things can't buy forever happiness. only temporary.
savor your relationships. love people, especially when they deserve it the least. because you will make an impact on someones life. whether you save that person because they were falling into a pit of darkness, aka depression and loneliness etc... focus on yourself, and making yourself better and being better to other people.
always remember:
the greatest of these is LOVE.
i miss the random conversations that are pointless but bring lots of laugher.
i miss that smile you get when you look at someone special.
i miss those random from behind surprise hugs.
i miss those comforting forehead kisses that you get when you feel like your whole world was falling down.
i miss those kisses when you would disagree with something they said.
i miss that amazing passionate kiss.
i miss the intimacy of just laying in bed and having deep conversations.
i miss just randomly watching a movie, just because.
i miss holding hands in public, or when laying in bed, when cuddling was too warm.
i miss those long comforting hugs.
i miss calling someone mine.
i miss feeling special to someone. like i was their whole world for those few moments.
sometimes i feel like I'm too damaged to be good for anyone. i feel like david is going to be my one and only. that he was the only one who accepted me for who i am. i know I'm not perfect. I'm far from it, but when i was with him, he made me feel like I was the most perfect girl in the whole world. he wasn't perfect, but he seemed like he was perfect for me. i don't know if i get a second chance at love or not in life, i mean I'm only 22 years old! i have my whole life ahead of me. i have the potential to do some thing great in my life. meet someone else and fulfill my life with them... its just so weird to me. i never really understood why bad things happen to people. bad things happen to amazing people.
my grandma jean, was an amazing woman. she was loved by everyone, and she had the most caring personality i had ever met in someone. she instantly made you feel comfortable and that she really truly cared. she was diagnosed with lou gerigs disease. for a couple years she went down hill before passing away. why? what did she do to deserve that? we never understand why things happen.
we don't understand why God allows us to endure such pain. some people can't handle life, and end up taking it into their own hands and removing themselves from the life they were given and break everybody's hearts around them. they commit a selfish act without thinking about how it will affect anybody else. a husband/wife, children, parents, etc. NO parent should ever have to bury their child. losing a child is one of the worst things anybody could ever experience. as much as i HATE my in laws, it sucks for them.
losing a husband/wife, spouse, that hurts very very much. especially when they take their own life. you don't understand why, you sometimes feel like it was partly your fault that you didn't pick up on something, that you didn't do more than you should have, that you should have done, this or that, as if it would have made a difference.
losing a mom or a dad... i lost my mom, but i didn't know her very well, so it didn't affect me, and my mom didn't have a choice, she died from cancer. i can't imagine what my stepdaughter is going to be like when everything sinks in. it breaks my heart every time i think about her not having david around. sydney and david had a good relationship for a father and a daughter. i definitely don't think its fair that sydney will grow up without her dad. that's what I'm the most angry about it.
I'm still processing david's death, I'm more angry at him than anything else right now. i know in time i'll forgive him for what he did. but i think it was very selfish thing for him to do.
when you think your life is horrible, think about how many people would trade you for the life you have. how many wish they had the things you had. i see people who have great family connections, someone who adores them, great personal relationships with people who actually care about them, and all they care about is money and how to get more, and how they wish they could trade their life with someone else who was so called "rich". pfffft. if i had all the money in the world, i would give it all up for relationships with people. thats the most enriching thing you could ever have. it doesn't matter what you have, money and things can't buy forever happiness. only temporary.
savor your relationships. love people, especially when they deserve it the least. because you will make an impact on someones life. whether you save that person because they were falling into a pit of darkness, aka depression and loneliness etc... focus on yourself, and making yourself better and being better to other people.
always remember:
the greatest of these is LOVE.
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