relationships and death

i miss cuddling.

i miss the random conversations that are pointless but bring lots of laugher.

i miss that smile you get when you look at someone special.

i miss those random from behind surprise hugs.

i miss those comforting forehead kisses that you get when you feel like your whole world was falling down.

i miss those kisses when you would disagree with something they said.

i miss that amazing passionate kiss.

i miss the intimacy of just laying in bed and having deep conversations.

i miss just randomly watching a movie, just because.

i miss holding hands in public, or when laying in bed, when cuddling was too warm.

i miss those long comforting hugs.

i miss calling someone mine.

i miss feeling special to someone. like i was their whole world for those few moments.



sometimes i feel like I'm too damaged to be good for anyone. i feel like david is going to be my one and only. that he was the only one who accepted me for who i am. i know I'm not perfect. I'm far from it, but when i was with him, he made me feel like I was the most perfect girl in the whole world. he wasn't perfect, but he seemed like he was perfect for me. i don't know if i get a second chance at love or not in life, i mean I'm only 22 years old! i have my whole life ahead of me. i have the potential to do some thing great in my life. meet someone else and fulfill my life with them... its just so weird to me. i never really understood why bad things happen to people. bad things happen to amazing people.

my grandma jean, was an amazing woman. she was loved by everyone, and she had the most caring personality i had ever met in someone. she instantly made you feel comfortable and that she really truly cared. she was diagnosed with lou gerigs disease. for a couple years she went down hill before passing away. why? what did she do to deserve that? we never understand why things happen.

we don't understand why God allows us to endure such pain. some people can't handle life, and end up taking it into their own hands and removing themselves from the life they were given and break everybody's hearts around them. they commit a selfish act without thinking about how it will affect anybody else. a husband/wife, children, parents, etc. NO parent should ever have to bury their child. losing a child is one of the worst things anybody could ever experience. as much as i HATE my in laws, it sucks for them.

losing a husband/wife, spouse, that hurts very very much. especially when they take their own life. you don't understand why, you sometimes feel like it was partly your fault that you didn't pick up on something, that you didn't do more than you should have, that you should have done, this or that, as if it would have made a difference.

losing a mom or a dad... i lost my mom, but i didn't know her very well, so it didn't affect me, and my mom didn't have a choice, she died from cancer. i can't imagine what my stepdaughter is going to be like when everything sinks in. it breaks my heart every time i think about her not having david around. sydney and david had a good relationship for a father and a daughter. i definitely don't think its fair that sydney will grow up without her dad. that's what I'm the most angry about it.

I'm still processing david's death, I'm more angry at him than anything else right now. i know in time i'll forgive him for what he did. but i think it was very selfish thing for him to do.

when you think your life is horrible, think about how many people would trade you for the life you have. how many wish they had the things you had. i see people who have great family connections, someone who adores them, great personal relationships with people who actually care about them, and all they care about is money and how to get more, and how they wish they could trade their life with someone else who was so called "rich". pfffft. if i had all the money in the world, i would give it all up for relationships with people. thats the most enriching thing you could ever have. it doesn't matter what you have, money and things can't buy forever happiness. only temporary.

savor your relationships. love people, especially when they deserve it the least. because you will make an impact on someones life. whether you save that person because they were falling into a pit of darkness, aka depression and loneliness etc... focus on yourself, and making yourself better and being better to other people.

always remember:

the greatest of these is LOVE.