grieving

its rough. to feel emotional all the time. to feel lost, abandoned, confused, sad, lonely, isolated... so many feelings and emotions go through your head and your heart. you have good days and you have bad days. you reach out and try to talk to friends, and they just blow you off because its the same story, different day. how do you cope with losing a spouse? especially a spouse who was in the military, and a spouse who took their own life? how do you get over something like that? they left you, without any warning, no letter, no reason why. no matter who you talk to, your friends, family, unless they've been through the situation, they don't understand what you are going through. yes we have all lost people in our lives, but don't compare apples to apples. most of my friends haven't had a big as loss as myself. they lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, whatever... i chose to love my husband, i chose to marry him, to be his best friend. you don't choose your family. you willingly give your heart to someone with the intent of forever, and "happily ever after". you willingly choose to spend your life with them, to love them, honor them, cherish them, till death do you part. you don't think that you are going to lose your spouse after one year of marriage. just beginning, newly weds. we had our whole lives ahead of each other. in a split second that was ripped from me. i didn't do anything wrong, or anything to deserve what he did. you constantly feel alone. you look around your house, hoping that they will walk around the corner. you fall asleep an night wishing that they were there next to you. you wake up from nightmares looking for them, hoping they will be there to wrap their arms around you, kiss your forehead and make you feel safe again. you have good dreams and wake up and want to tell them, but they aren't there. you go to all the same spots you loved and everything around that place reminds you of them. i can't see a uniform and not think of my husband, and wanting to hold him again. to smell his smell. feel his touch. to feel his lips pressed against mine. you sit in the shower as the water pours down your skin and your face, as tears run down your face because you know that you are never going to have those things ever again. you sleep constantly because you hope for that dream where you get to see their face, and feel their touch, just one last time. there are times you don't sleep because you are afraid of the nightmares you will have. you constantly think what did you do wrong? you sometimes just get so overwhelmed, that you just collapse on your bedroom floor, or your closet and just cry, and you cry so hard and so much, its gut wrenching. you feel like you are suffocating, you cry so much you can't breathe. you feel so alone as the tears fall, you wish so much that someone where there to hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. that you will make it through. the human touch is so powerful, a simple hug during a time of hardship can help someone more than they could imagine.