i have been thinking about this lately... my perfect, ideal man. i thought i had met the man of my dreams, but that was short lived, and apparently we weren't supposed to have our "happily ever after"... although i have been married once before, i know what i can have, and what i want in my life as a man. i was married to an outstanding soldier, husband and father. physically the guy has to be attractive to me. personally i like dark hair, dark eyes, but i will admit there are other guys out there who are just as attractive, like guys with dark hair and blue eyes, and the list goes on... the first thing that all relationships need is TRUST. without trust, the relationship is not even worth it.
the next thing a relationship needs is LOYALTY which also ties in with FAITHFULNESS. also, HUMOR is a must. i love a guy who can make me smile and laugh no matter how ridiculous he is. a guy who is fun, who will do random things with you, whether its listening to justin bieber in the car, riding dirt bikes, hanging out watching movies, going for random drives, and the list goes on...
I'm an easy girl to please, most of the time. i voice my feelings, i tell people when I'm upset with them, or if they did something wrong. i try to be more open, but its so hard to put yourself out there, knowing that every single time you do someone is going to hurt you. i've never been in this much pain emotionally in my entire life, and i went through some stuff in my life. its like you meet a guy, think he's a pretty decent guy. you hang out a few times, watch movies, talk or whatever it is you do, you start getting attached, not because you want to, but because you think it feels right, and that it maybe okay and turn out alright, but it seems if you don't sleep with them, they lose interest. then you wonder were they really interested at all or did they just want to get into your pants... so to speak. its not the fact that you don't want to, but emotionally you can't handle it and you are just trying to protect yourself. yeah its a sin of the flesh but we are human.
we make mistakes, we give into those temptations. we aren't perfect. i know for damn sure I'm not perfect. far from it. I'm REALLY scared of guys. i like them as friends, and i like them at a distance, but i can't be intimate like share personal things or give up a piece of myself. i can't seem to fathom being in a relationship because of all the guys I've met recently. i thought i had it all. i married the man i thought i was going to be with forever. how am i ever going to find a guy who measures up to him or even is half the man he was, or even if its somehow possible, better than he was... i do expect a lot in a man. i don't want to date boys who are just out chasing tail or whatever. i want a guy who is stable, and knows how to treat a lady. someone who was raised right. someone who is a gentleman, who i can laugh with, smile when i think about him, want to see and talk to him, someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what i look like or what i wear. someone who likes me for my personality not how pretty i am or whatever.
i want someone who will respect me and not be strictly physical, i need someone who fulfills my mental and emotional needs. someone i can have a genuine deep and meaningful conversation with. i need someone i can trust and make me feel safe. someone who can deal with the fact that i am a widow, and losing my husband wasn't a choice. yes i'm always going to love him, but i'll love the next guy differently and if we happen to be together longer than david and i were together, it maybe a deeper kind of love. I'm always going to have good days and bad days. i need a guy who isn't intimated by the fact that i have a deceased husband and isn't always trying to compete with him. there are qualities I'm always going to love in david that the other guy may not have, because they aren't the same people. if i could marry david all over again, i would in a heartbeat, but that's not going to happen. i know that this experience has helped me grow and become a different and more mature person.
I'm never going to see david again, I'm never going to hear his voice again, I'm never going to feel his touch again. all i have left are some material items, photos and memories. the new guy has no competition whatsoever. its not like david could ever win me back, because he's gone. he's not coming back.
I'm a WIDOW. people do not come back from the dead. the only place he is now is in my memories, and my heart, sometimes i dream about him, but they are starting to fade. he's starting to fade. yes i have my days that i breakdown with a gut wrenching cry that hurts my heart and i'll cry for hours on my bathroom floor, because other than my car, that's the only place that i feel safe. i don't know why. sometimes i wish i could just go somewhere and never come back, but no matter where i go i can't run from myself. i know i have to deal with my problems head on. honestly i haven't really slept in a week.
I'm constantly tired. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of having nobody around. I feel like I'm constantly fighting everything by myself. i make an effort to maintain my friendships, but they don't make that same effort. some times i feel like i made a mistake staying in idaho. i know with my past and with losing david, being with me is going to be complicated, but they have to think I'm worth it, sometimes i don't think I'm worth it, i feel like I'm too damaged and that I'm just a hassle and it scares guys off. i can't help that I'm a widow, and that i lost my husband. it wasn't my choice but they make me feel like its my fault. like I'm damaged goods. it sucks. it really does.
i rarely go out, i'm having a harder time trying to get out and do things, especially things i loved, like riding dirt bikes. i feel like i have no motivation, maybe its because i haven't slept in weeks, but sometimes it would be nice just to have that one person who makes you feel safe, who's there to comfort you and hold you when your world is falling apart... to kiss your forehead, wipe your tears, to make you feel like there s going to be sunshine after the rain, make you feel like you can keep driving on and say that everything will be okay.
thats all i ask for.
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