just to keep in mind, i wrote this before mothers day and just forgot to post it. i feel like i have lost EVERYTHING that mattered most in my life. my husband was my favorite person in the world. i never got to meet our child. not a day goes by that i wish we could have met our beautiful child. maybe my life would have turned out different. . .
i lost my child and my husband in the same year. the same fucking year! i lost my family. the family that we were in the process of making! i never get to see my husbands daughter, she was a part of our family as well. she was so excited at the thought of david and i bringing a child into this world. she kept telling us how much she wanted a little sister. it breaks my heart so much that i lost my little family. i just feel like i keep losing at life. i hate when people keep asking me if I'm okay. somedays I'm not. others i am.
when people ask me if "I'm okay" sometimes i want to scream: NO! IM NOT OKAY! STOP ASKING ME! I AM NOT OKAY! IM MAD AND UPSET AND PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD BECAUSE THIS HAPPENED TO ME! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! CAN YOU TELL ME THAT? GO LIVE YOUR PERFECT LITTLE LIFE WITH YOUR PERFECT HUSBAND AND KIDS! MY FAMILY IS IN HEAVEN. MY HUSBAND AND MY CHILD THAT WE CREATED TOGETHER ARE IN HEAVEN AND NOT BY MY CHOICE. I LOST EVERYTHING. would you be okay?
i have my days where i just want to scream and yell. i have my days that my heart hurts so much that i can't stand it. i constantly feel like its broken and bleeding. i have my days when i cry and it hurts so much that i literally can't stand and i'll just lie on the floor and just cry. i constantly feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down. its like I'm drowning and can't catch a breath. its like the light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting further and further away.
i have my days where all i want to do is lay in bed and be held and cry but i have no one to make me feel safe. i have no one reassuring me that everything will be okay. i have no one to run to at any second of the day.
mothers day is coming up, so not only do i get to remember that I'm childless, but i don't have my husband either. what a great and awesome thing to think about. another thing is its Tyler's birthday. he used to be my best friend before i met david, we laughed, we talked, we had a special place where we would go and just talk, about anything and everything (somewhere only we know...). it was picture perfect. we would swing on the swings at the park, he'd push me, if the sprinklers were on he'd grab me and throw me over his shoulder and try to get me sprayed, as i was laughing and screaming. we had so much fun. i loved tyler he was a great guy an amazing friend. we were always there for each other. through thick and thin.
we used to joke that if we weren't married in 10 years that we'd marry each other, but when i met david that was vetoed. i loved david more than any man on earth. on march 26, 2010 tyler passed away. I've lost more than anyone could ever know. i remember calling david because he was out of state doing training for the army in missouri telling him tyler had passed away. david knew the friendship tyler and i had prior to me meeting david, he knew that we were close. i remember crying on the phone to david and him trying to comfort me. i lost my dear friend, and my BEST FRIEND in the whole world within a year and half of each other. talk about heart ache.
at tylers funeral when i hugged tylers dad, he held me tight and told me that he was so grateful that tyler had a friend like me. that he was thankful that i was in tyler's life. sometimes i miss him soooo much. i know he'd be here for me like he always was. no matter what. if he couldn't be here in person, he was texting me or calling me and we'd talk to for hours on end until i was calm or settled and good with life again. i can't even count the times when we'd call each other when everything in life seemed to just go wrong. i miss just having someone to help me feel safe even if its just for a little bit.
to help take my mind of everything.
to breathe and relax.
that's all i want.
It's SO much easier said than done, but try to remember that everything happens for a reason...really and truly. You will be and already are becoming a stronger person because of all you have been through. I cannot imagine the struggle...I really can't. But I do know that you are strong enough to handle it, even when you don't believe you are. It's not fair - no one knows why these things happen. But what I do know is that better things are coming. I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDelete