I hate, hate, hate, when someone says something like, “I promise I’ll do this…” or “I’ll call you…” or “I’m here if you need to talk…”
What makes me so mad is the fact that people say these things and then when you hold them to their word they back out. People say things all the time to me, I thought I had some pretty good friends, but it turned out to be that they just cared about themselves, and they say they are my friend but they don’t help. I can call someone when im having a break down and I feel like my whole world is crashing down and hope that, that one person helps me feel like its going to be okay.
Sometimes I have my days where I just want to leave and never come back, or I have my days where I am so down that I just want to fall off the face of the earth and never come back. I thought that losing David, and the way he took his life was the biggest hurt I was going to ever experience, but it just keeps going. People who I thought were friends, turned out to just be acquaintances. People, who said that they would be there for me, or come over or hang out to help me, don’t. I pick up the phone and call certain people and they don’t answer. Its not going to be like this forever.
I have my days that I wish God would just take me. That maybe something would happen and that I had an untimely early death, like a car accident, dirt bike accident or something like that… The pain caused by so many people is overwhelming sometimes. I’ve enrolled myself into counseling so I can talk about all my feelings and try to get them out. To try to cope in all of this and try to do things that will help heal myself. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be alone. I get scared. I feel like I don’t know what to do. Being in my house by myself is eerie to me. I have my days where I will just lay in bed all day and cry because I’m alone. It’s a scary feeling to feel like you have no one.
I also have my days that I feel like everything is a dream, and that this nightmare will go away, and David will walk through the door again, or I’ll wake up and he’ll be lying there. I don’t think I’ve ever coped with loss well. I don’t think I cope with death well. Sometimes I have these amazing dreams and when I wake up I want to tell him, but he’s not there. I sleep on his side of the bed like I always do when I miss him. It makes me feel closer to him, but it’s not the same as having him next to me. I’m trying to move on, and find new hobbies, go back to school, start working again.
Be independent.
I’ve never really had to take care of me much. I moved out when I was 19, lived with a female roommate for 3 months, moved in with my husband, got engaged, and married at 20, lost my husband at 21. A lot has happened, David had been taking care of me for 2 1/2 years. I depended on him, and he depended on me for emotional support. Now it’s just me, moving forward in my life… we will see what’s in store for my future and where everything leads me. Just another chapter in my life…
I just have to find a way to dance in the rain, and find the sunshine through the clouds.
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