I have these dreams where David is still there and everything is good. everything feels so real... i'm at ease... then I wake up suddenly and expect him to be there...even though i know he's not. a part of me i guess still wants this to all be a nightmare that eventually i'll wake up from, but i know its never going to happen.
its heartbreaking to read somethings that the widows post because I'm feel the exact same way sometimes... in the dreams you want so badly for them to come back and be with you, and for everything to go back to the way it was... but maybe the way it was, wasn't the best for you.
i thought David would be mine forever. my one and only love... my true love, the one i was going to grow old with and watch our grandchildren from our rocking chairs on the porch drinking tea or something... we had a whole future planned. we were trying to add on to our family by trying to have a baby... man was that difficult. emotionally and physically and it definitely put a strain on our relationship. I'm not perfect, nor was he. That showed because he lost the battle within himself.
For some reason this tragedy happened in my life. I have yet to understand why. I have yes to understand why I have to start over in my life. To meet a new person. I tried with this guy named "Ralph". Yeah, didn't work well for me. So now its just time to work on myself some more and do me. I'm working. I start school in November. I'm hitting the gym. De-Cluttering my life. Trying to get my life together. So far its been working well for me. Yes I still have my bad days... I will always have my ups and downs, especially with this tragedy. Its unexplained, and horrible experience. Unfortunately it has changed me... I'm fragile, yet stronger.
Thankfully I'm feeling better... for now.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Family
Family... the people who are supposed to have your back and care for you no matter what... well in my case i can only count on a couple members of my family to actually be there for me. the other members of my family are nonexistent. yes, i will admit that i did some screwed up stuff in my life, but my family never seemed to get over it, doesn't matter how many times i apologize or anything they don't give a shit.
let me tell you something about my family, i have 2 "brothers". yes its in quotations because when it comes down to it, i really don't care about them. last year the bridge with them was completely burned. unfortunately, i hate to admit it, but if my brothers died or something tragic happened, i probably wouldn't be there for them. sad but true. i can honestly say that i have no love for my brothers what so ever. I'm angry at them and probably will never forgive them. i can't stand to even be around them. all i want to do when i see them is yell and scream at them for being assholes. my brothers did not attend my wedding, granted i didn't invite them. they could have come if they wanted, but it wasn't important to me that they were there. now them not coming to davids funeral or sending a text or a message or a card, now thats low. i don't give a shit who you are. that is something i could never forgive them for. ever. I'm sorry, but i can't. that was a low blow and the most disrespectful thing i have ever had happen in my life.
yes i know i was a screw up, probably according to my family still am. everyone wonders why i don't seek help or reach out to people, its because i have never felt comfortable in doing so. i hate confiding in people. i have always felt alone. i know its partly my fault because i push people away, but people just give up. as much as people say that they don't give up on someone. they do.
i was drowning. my family didn't care. i don't get phone calls from my "parents". i have to call them. they don't reach out to me. the only people i have received phone calls from to check on me is my grandma, and my real dad. 2 people out of an entire family.
my family didn't know that i was drowning. i went on drinking binges. drug binges. one night i got so drunk and took so many pills... i somehow got my truck home, and i don't remember hardly anything of that day.
nobody knows what i go through. nobody actually cares. i now know what it feels like to be abandoned by pretty much everyone who you thought loved you.
this is my life.
did you know not one of my family members brought me a home cooked meal. did you know one of my own family members accused me of shooting david. this is what i come from. i hate going to family functions because i feel like I'm not welcome. so this is my vent on my family, and now you all know why i don't do family functions or talk to my family.
let me tell you something about my family, i have 2 "brothers". yes its in quotations because when it comes down to it, i really don't care about them. last year the bridge with them was completely burned. unfortunately, i hate to admit it, but if my brothers died or something tragic happened, i probably wouldn't be there for them. sad but true. i can honestly say that i have no love for my brothers what so ever. I'm angry at them and probably will never forgive them. i can't stand to even be around them. all i want to do when i see them is yell and scream at them for being assholes. my brothers did not attend my wedding, granted i didn't invite them. they could have come if they wanted, but it wasn't important to me that they were there. now them not coming to davids funeral or sending a text or a message or a card, now thats low. i don't give a shit who you are. that is something i could never forgive them for. ever. I'm sorry, but i can't. that was a low blow and the most disrespectful thing i have ever had happen in my life.
yes i know i was a screw up, probably according to my family still am. everyone wonders why i don't seek help or reach out to people, its because i have never felt comfortable in doing so. i hate confiding in people. i have always felt alone. i know its partly my fault because i push people away, but people just give up. as much as people say that they don't give up on someone. they do.
i was drowning. my family didn't care. i don't get phone calls from my "parents". i have to call them. they don't reach out to me. the only people i have received phone calls from to check on me is my grandma, and my real dad. 2 people out of an entire family.
my family didn't know that i was drowning. i went on drinking binges. drug binges. one night i got so drunk and took so many pills... i somehow got my truck home, and i don't remember hardly anything of that day.
nobody knows what i go through. nobody actually cares. i now know what it feels like to be abandoned by pretty much everyone who you thought loved you.
this is my life.
did you know not one of my family members brought me a home cooked meal. did you know one of my own family members accused me of shooting david. this is what i come from. i hate going to family functions because i feel like I'm not welcome. so this is my vent on my family, and now you all know why i don't do family functions or talk to my family.
emotionally distraught
just to keep in mind, i wrote this before mothers day and just forgot to post it. i feel like i have lost EVERYTHING that mattered most in my life. my husband was my favorite person in the world. i never got to meet our child. not a day goes by that i wish we could have met our beautiful child. maybe my life would have turned out different. . .
i lost my child and my husband in the same year. the same fucking year! i lost my family. the family that we were in the process of making! i never get to see my husbands daughter, she was a part of our family as well. she was so excited at the thought of david and i bringing a child into this world. she kept telling us how much she wanted a little sister. it breaks my heart so much that i lost my little family. i just feel like i keep losing at life. i hate when people keep asking me if I'm okay. somedays I'm not. others i am.
when people ask me if "I'm okay" sometimes i want to scream: NO! IM NOT OKAY! STOP ASKING ME! I AM NOT OKAY! IM MAD AND UPSET AND PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD BECAUSE THIS HAPPENED TO ME! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! CAN YOU TELL ME THAT? GO LIVE YOUR PERFECT LITTLE LIFE WITH YOUR PERFECT HUSBAND AND KIDS! MY FAMILY IS IN HEAVEN. MY HUSBAND AND MY CHILD THAT WE CREATED TOGETHER ARE IN HEAVEN AND NOT BY MY CHOICE. I LOST EVERYTHING. would you be okay?
i have my days where i just want to scream and yell. i have my days that my heart hurts so much that i can't stand it. i constantly feel like its broken and bleeding. i have my days when i cry and it hurts so much that i literally can't stand and i'll just lie on the floor and just cry. i constantly feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down. its like I'm drowning and can't catch a breath. its like the light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting further and further away.
i have my days where all i want to do is lay in bed and be held and cry but i have no one to make me feel safe. i have no one reassuring me that everything will be okay. i have no one to run to at any second of the day.
mothers day is coming up, so not only do i get to remember that I'm childless, but i don't have my husband either. what a great and awesome thing to think about. another thing is its Tyler's birthday. he used to be my best friend before i met david, we laughed, we talked, we had a special place where we would go and just talk, about anything and everything (somewhere only we know...). it was picture perfect. we would swing on the swings at the park, he'd push me, if the sprinklers were on he'd grab me and throw me over his shoulder and try to get me sprayed, as i was laughing and screaming. we had so much fun. i loved tyler he was a great guy an amazing friend. we were always there for each other. through thick and thin.
we used to joke that if we weren't married in 10 years that we'd marry each other, but when i met david that was vetoed. i loved david more than any man on earth. on march 26, 2010 tyler passed away. I've lost more than anyone could ever know. i remember calling david because he was out of state doing training for the army in missouri telling him tyler had passed away. david knew the friendship tyler and i had prior to me meeting david, he knew that we were close. i remember crying on the phone to david and him trying to comfort me. i lost my dear friend, and my BEST FRIEND in the whole world within a year and half of each other. talk about heart ache.
at tylers funeral when i hugged tylers dad, he held me tight and told me that he was so grateful that tyler had a friend like me. that he was thankful that i was in tyler's life. sometimes i miss him soooo much. i know he'd be here for me like he always was. no matter what. if he couldn't be here in person, he was texting me or calling me and we'd talk to for hours on end until i was calm or settled and good with life again. i can't even count the times when we'd call each other when everything in life seemed to just go wrong. i miss just having someone to help me feel safe even if its just for a little bit.
to help take my mind of everything.
to breathe and relax.
that's all i want.
i lost my child and my husband in the same year. the same fucking year! i lost my family. the family that we were in the process of making! i never get to see my husbands daughter, she was a part of our family as well. she was so excited at the thought of david and i bringing a child into this world. she kept telling us how much she wanted a little sister. it breaks my heart so much that i lost my little family. i just feel like i keep losing at life. i hate when people keep asking me if I'm okay. somedays I'm not. others i am.
when people ask me if "I'm okay" sometimes i want to scream: NO! IM NOT OKAY! STOP ASKING ME! I AM NOT OKAY! IM MAD AND UPSET AND PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD BECAUSE THIS HAPPENED TO ME! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?! CAN YOU TELL ME THAT? GO LIVE YOUR PERFECT LITTLE LIFE WITH YOUR PERFECT HUSBAND AND KIDS! MY FAMILY IS IN HEAVEN. MY HUSBAND AND MY CHILD THAT WE CREATED TOGETHER ARE IN HEAVEN AND NOT BY MY CHOICE. I LOST EVERYTHING. would you be okay?
i have my days where i just want to scream and yell. i have my days that my heart hurts so much that i can't stand it. i constantly feel like its broken and bleeding. i have my days when i cry and it hurts so much that i literally can't stand and i'll just lie on the floor and just cry. i constantly feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down. its like I'm drowning and can't catch a breath. its like the light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting further and further away.
i have my days where all i want to do is lay in bed and be held and cry but i have no one to make me feel safe. i have no one reassuring me that everything will be okay. i have no one to run to at any second of the day.
mothers day is coming up, so not only do i get to remember that I'm childless, but i don't have my husband either. what a great and awesome thing to think about. another thing is its Tyler's birthday. he used to be my best friend before i met david, we laughed, we talked, we had a special place where we would go and just talk, about anything and everything (somewhere only we know...). it was picture perfect. we would swing on the swings at the park, he'd push me, if the sprinklers were on he'd grab me and throw me over his shoulder and try to get me sprayed, as i was laughing and screaming. we had so much fun. i loved tyler he was a great guy an amazing friend. we were always there for each other. through thick and thin.
we used to joke that if we weren't married in 10 years that we'd marry each other, but when i met david that was vetoed. i loved david more than any man on earth. on march 26, 2010 tyler passed away. I've lost more than anyone could ever know. i remember calling david because he was out of state doing training for the army in missouri telling him tyler had passed away. david knew the friendship tyler and i had prior to me meeting david, he knew that we were close. i remember crying on the phone to david and him trying to comfort me. i lost my dear friend, and my BEST FRIEND in the whole world within a year and half of each other. talk about heart ache.
at tylers funeral when i hugged tylers dad, he held me tight and told me that he was so grateful that tyler had a friend like me. that he was thankful that i was in tyler's life. sometimes i miss him soooo much. i know he'd be here for me like he always was. no matter what. if he couldn't be here in person, he was texting me or calling me and we'd talk to for hours on end until i was calm or settled and good with life again. i can't even count the times when we'd call each other when everything in life seemed to just go wrong. i miss just having someone to help me feel safe even if its just for a little bit.
to help take my mind of everything.
to breathe and relax.
that's all i want.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)