moving forward

i have been thinking about this lately... my perfect, ideal man. i thought i had met the man of my dreams, but that was short lived, and apparently we weren't supposed to have our "happily ever after"... although i have been married once before, i know what i can have, and what i want in my life as a man. i was married to an outstanding soldier, husband and father. physically the guy has to be attractive to me. personally i like dark hair, dark eyes, but i will admit there are other guys out there who are just as attractive, like guys with dark hair and blue eyes, and the list goes on... the first thing that all relationships need is TRUST. without trust, the relationship is not even worth it.

the next thing a relationship needs is LOYALTY which also ties in with FAITHFULNESS. also, HUMOR is a must. i love a guy who can make me smile and laugh no matter how ridiculous he is. a guy who is fun, who will do random things with you, whether its listening to justin bieber in the car, riding dirt bikes, hanging out watching movies, going for random drives, and the list goes on...

I'm an easy girl to please, most of the time. i voice my feelings, i tell people when I'm upset with them, or if they did something wrong. i try to be more open, but its so hard to put yourself out there, knowing that every single time you do someone is going to hurt you. i've never been in this much pain emotionally in my entire life, and i went through some stuff in my life. its like you meet a guy, think he's a pretty decent guy. you hang out a few times, watch movies, talk or whatever it is you do, you start getting attached, not because you want to, but because you think it feels right, and that it maybe okay and turn out alright, but it seems if you don't sleep with them, they lose interest. then you wonder were they really interested at all or did they just want to get into your pants... so to speak. its not the fact that you don't want to, but emotionally you can't handle it and you are just trying to protect yourself. yeah its a sin of the flesh but we are human.

we make mistakes, we give into those temptations. we aren't perfect. i know for damn sure I'm not perfect. far from it. I'm REALLY scared of guys. i like them as friends, and i like them at a distance, but i can't be intimate like share personal things or give up a piece of myself. i can't seem to fathom being in a relationship because of all the guys I've met recently. i thought i had it all. i married the man i thought i was going to be with forever. how am i ever going to find a guy who measures up to him or even is half the man he was, or even if its somehow possible, better than he was... i do expect a lot in a man. i don't want to date boys who are just out chasing tail or whatever. i want a guy who is stable, and knows how to treat a lady. someone who was raised right. someone who is a gentleman, who i can laugh with, smile when i think about him, want to see and talk to him, someone who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what i look like or what i wear. someone who likes me for my personality not how pretty i am or whatever.

i want someone who will respect me and not be strictly physical, i need someone who fulfills my mental and emotional needs. someone i can have a genuine deep and meaningful conversation with. i need someone i can trust and make me feel safe. someone who can deal with the fact that i am a widow, and losing my husband wasn't a choice. yes i'm always going to love him, but i'll love the next guy differently and if we happen to be together longer than david and i were together, it maybe a deeper kind of love. I'm always going to have good days and bad days. i need a guy who isn't intimated by the fact that i have a deceased husband and isn't always trying to compete with him. there are qualities I'm always going to love in david that the other guy may not have, because they aren't the same people. if i could marry david all over again, i would in a heartbeat, but that's not going to happen. i know that this experience has helped me grow and become a different and more mature person.

I'm never going to see david again, I'm never going to hear his voice again, I'm never going to feel his touch again. all i have left are some material items, photos and memories. the new guy has no competition whatsoever. its not like david could ever win me back, because he's gone. he's not coming back.

I'm a WIDOW. people do not come back from the dead. the only place he is now is in my memories, and my heart, sometimes i dream about him, but they are starting to fade. he's starting to fade. yes i have my days that i breakdown with a gut wrenching cry that hurts my heart and i'll cry for hours on my bathroom floor, because other than my car, that's the only place that i feel safe. i don't know why. sometimes i wish i could just go somewhere and never come back, but no matter where i go i can't run from myself. i know i have to deal with my problems head on. honestly i haven't really slept in a week.

I'm constantly tired. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of having nobody around. I feel like I'm constantly fighting everything by myself. i make an effort to maintain my friendships, but they don't make that same effort. some times i feel like i made a mistake staying in idaho. i know with my past and with losing david, being with me is going to be complicated, but they have to think I'm worth it, sometimes i don't think I'm worth it, i feel like I'm too damaged and that I'm just a hassle and it scares guys off. i can't help that I'm a widow, and that i lost my husband. it wasn't my choice but they make me feel like its my fault. like I'm damaged goods. it sucks. it really does.

i rarely go out, i'm having a harder time trying to get out and do things, especially things i loved, like riding dirt bikes. i feel like i have no motivation, maybe its because i haven't slept in weeks, but sometimes it would be nice just to have that one person who makes you feel safe, who's there to comfort you and hold you when your world is falling apart... to kiss your forehead, wipe your tears, to make you feel like there s going to be sunshine after the rain, make you feel like you can keep driving on and say that everything will be okay.

thats all i ask for.

My Story

I feel that i don't think enough ppl know what i have been through and they are judging me, i don't feel as if i need to explain myself, but let me give you a glimpse into my life and what i have been going through the past 6 months of my life.


Friday, July 15, 2011- The washer broke and ran over again... flooded the house. david was coming home from work and was in a good mood until i told that the washer flooded the house. we fixed that mess...

Saturday July 16, 2011- We went to Silver City for the first time together with our church, we had a great day, went to silver city, then came home and made dinner together and went to bed and cuddled and watched tv and had some good conversation.

Sunday July 17, 2011- We took the dogs to the lake, then met up with our friend Eric, and went boating.


On Monday, July 18, 2011 my husband David woke up at 5:30am for PT at the YMCA in Boise. He showered, gathered his things, kissed my forehead goodbye and told me he loved me. We had a pretty quiet day of not really any texting or calling. I texted him when i woke up and told him, "I love you baby with all my heart. Forever and Always." He texted me back, "i love u 2." A few hours later, he texted me, " I love you so much Jenny." i texted him, " i love you very much too. :)" we then talked about how our dog Jaeger like the duck toy i bought him over the chicken toy david had bought him... the last text i ever received from my husband was, "yes you were right."

David arrived home earlier than i expected, he walked through the door at about 5:15pm/ 5:30pm. I remember being surprised when he came home early because usually he'd call me and tell me. i remember looking at him and saying, "hi baby, you're home early..." he said, yeah. then he told that he had went to sports authority where he had bought a new watch, and a scorebook for his Army Softball team that he was involved in with the other recruiters.

He asked me what time it was. i told him it was 5:30. Then he asked me after he had taken a shower and laid down in bed to take a nap if he had gone to work that day... i told him, yeah you went to work that day... he went to sleep for a little bit, and i laid in bed next to him, and he woke up and asked me what time he had gotten home. i said, babe, you got home at 5:30. then he asked if he had gone to work that day... i was like, uh yeah you went to work today, what do you think you did? he went back to sleep. i got up and put my shoes on and woke him up and told him i was going to the store and kissed him goodbye and told him id be back soon. i called my best friend, and explained to her what was going on and i was freaking out, because he seemed confused and it was freaking me out.

after an hour later, i came home and checked on david, told him i was home. i asked him if he wanted me to make him dinner, he said no. i also asked him if he was going to get his uniform and stuff ready to go to work the next day, he said "yeah, in a minute." a little while later he had gotten up, gotten his uniform ready and put into the car, he asked me if i was going to drive him to work and i said yeah because i needed the car, (his was out of commission at the time.) after he had gotten his uniform ready he had hung it in my car.

i started to make dinner and asked him if he wanted any and he told me no. he went to lay down, a few minutes later he got up and walked to the fridge and drank lemonade out of the carton! (that drove me nuts) he went back to bed, i finished making dinner, turned on the tv and started eating. i noticed the door was open and at our house the tv was hooked up to surround sound so no matter what level the tv is on, it sounds loud.

he got up to shut the door, minutes later i was about to get up to get some ice for this blueberry/pomagrante tea i had found when my world came crashing down...

i heard a gun shot.

i heard a thud.

i thought the worst.

called 911.

opened the door to my bedroom...

there i find my husband, bleeding from his head, between his eyes. my worst nightmare had come to life... my husband just tried to kill himself.

i ran to him, grabbed some clothes, applied them to the wound, looked around him to see if there was an exit wound. looked to see where the gun was. he had used a .22 caliber rife, the one he had bought me as an anniversary present for us being together for 2 years. as i was talking to the operator, his eyes began to turn black and swell shut. blood was coming out of his nose, i kept wiping his face, blood was starting to come out of his mouth... he was starting to have trouble breathing, he was drowning in his own blood. his body started to curl, and i thought i was starting to lose him. i shoved some clothes under his head to help clear his airway. then i rolled him onto his side, my feet propped up against his body to create some leverage, and me pulling on his arm.

shortly the police showed up, and the cop was more worried about my dog that was running around then my husband bleeding out the floor. i looked at him and asked if he was going to do his job so i could take care of the dog. after i had done that, i tried going back into the bedroom, which the cops refused, and made me stay in the kitchen. my hands and my arms up to my elbows were covered in blood. i asked the police chaplain if i could wash myself off. he said yes, i asked if they need pictures or anything, and he assured me they did not. a few moments later the ambulance arrived, stabilized him and took him.

the police made me leave the premises. i immediately called davids commander, followed by my father, who i called and i asked what he was doing, and he told me he was working, i said, i need you to go to St. Als right now. he asked why, i said, david just shot himself in the head, and i need someone to be there because the police wanted to question me. i then called david's father and told him the same news. his father then hung up on me.

the police took me down to the station for questioning... on my way there david's doctor had called and told me that they needed to perform emergency surgery called a hemi craniotomy, it would relieve the pressure on the brain from the swelling from the bullet entering. a hemi craniotomy is where they remove half the skull to let the brain to swell. i told the doctor to do any means necessary to save david's life.

i was at the police station from about 9:30 to 4 in the morning. they would not let me go to see my husband. all i wanted to do is be at the hospital so i could be there for my husband, but the police wouldn't let me go.

at 4 am my best friend picked me up, we went to the house to get my car, and then hauled ass to the hospital. my family was there, his family was there, our pastor was there, and a lot of army personal. my dad met me and asked me if i wanted to see david, he told me to prepare for the worst. david was in the ICU.

my dad and i walked to davids room, when i saw david i didn't believe that was my husband, his head was so swollen, he had tubes coming out of him everywhere. he was on life support, he wasn't breathing on his own. i looked at my dad in disbelief. this wasn't my husband. i didn't recognize him, until i walked up to him and slipped my hand into his, and looked at his face and saw those moles i loved so much, felt the familiarity of his hand in mine. then it hit me, my husband tried to kill himself... to avoid my emotions, i started going into work mode, and trying to get things figured out...


the next day or so, his neuro doctor told us that the bullet had bounced off the back of his skull and ricocheted all over the 4 lobes of the left side of his brain. my husband was heavily sedated, and wouldn't remember anything, my husband was in a state of comatois. he also told us that my husband was never going to be the same. the doctor said he may not even remember a lot of things, he may forget ppl, places and other things. i was devastated, my whole world was gone, and was in a vegetable state. as the doctor was talking i was worried that my husband wouldn't remember me or anything, i then just wanted to get out of this room that the doctor had us in... i felt like running and bawling my eyes out. as soon as the doctor had left i walked briskly out to my car, and just started crying. i couldn't handle the fact that i had pretty much lost my husband and everything i had loved, he was not going to be able to talk, walk or really do anything on his own. best case scenario he would have to be taken care of like a baby or toddler for the rest of his life. everything for him would be a struggle.

david was in the hospital for 4 months until he passed away on Nov. 10, 2011. within that 4 month time period, his father tried taking david away from me. a court battle later, his father had no grounds to take my husband away from me, he tried blaming everything on me. failed to mention that his son had talked to him about killing himself in march. so between the legal battle with david's family and seeing my husband suffer for 4 months not being able to walk, talk, eat or even wipe his own butt. people judged me, and said hateful things about me, and spread rumors about me. i was not only trying to take care of my husband, i was trying to take care of myself. nobody knows how many nights i have cried, because my husband was never going to be by my side ever again. i had and still have nightmares because of finding my husband bleeding out on the floor of our bedroom. i spent, days, weeks, and months of my life inside of a hospital trying to make my husbands life as easy as possible. 2 weeks before david died, he developed an infection in his brain which spread throughout his whole body and the doctors could not get it under control, he was having fevers up into 105 range, which with the severity of his brain injury pretty much fried his brain, and was losing all that he had left in his brain. i watched my husband deteriorate after we took him off life support. no food. no water. no medicine. they just made him comfortable enough so he could go in peace. we had to make that decision to take him off. no spouse should ever have to help make that decision it took him 4 days to pass after we took him off. people need to think before they judge me, and get my story and what i've been through and what emotional turmoil i've been through, especially the past 9 months of my life. so before you judge me and my life, get the whole story.

grieving

its rough. to feel emotional all the time. to feel lost, abandoned, confused, sad, lonely, isolated... so many feelings and emotions go through your head and your heart. you have good days and you have bad days. you reach out and try to talk to friends, and they just blow you off because its the same story, different day. how do you cope with losing a spouse? especially a spouse who was in the military, and a spouse who took their own life? how do you get over something like that? they left you, without any warning, no letter, no reason why. no matter who you talk to, your friends, family, unless they've been through the situation, they don't understand what you are going through. yes we have all lost people in our lives, but don't compare apples to apples. most of my friends haven't had a big as loss as myself. they lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, whatever... i chose to love my husband, i chose to marry him, to be his best friend. you don't choose your family. you willingly give your heart to someone with the intent of forever, and "happily ever after". you willingly choose to spend your life with them, to love them, honor them, cherish them, till death do you part. you don't think that you are going to lose your spouse after one year of marriage. just beginning, newly weds. we had our whole lives ahead of each other. in a split second that was ripped from me. i didn't do anything wrong, or anything to deserve what he did. you constantly feel alone. you look around your house, hoping that they will walk around the corner. you fall asleep an night wishing that they were there next to you. you wake up from nightmares looking for them, hoping they will be there to wrap their arms around you, kiss your forehead and make you feel safe again. you have good dreams and wake up and want to tell them, but they aren't there. you go to all the same spots you loved and everything around that place reminds you of them. i can't see a uniform and not think of my husband, and wanting to hold him again. to smell his smell. feel his touch. to feel his lips pressed against mine. you sit in the shower as the water pours down your skin and your face, as tears run down your face because you know that you are never going to have those things ever again. you sleep constantly because you hope for that dream where you get to see their face, and feel their touch, just one last time. there are times you don't sleep because you are afraid of the nightmares you will have. you constantly think what did you do wrong? you sometimes just get so overwhelmed, that you just collapse on your bedroom floor, or your closet and just cry, and you cry so hard and so much, its gut wrenching. you feel like you are suffocating, you cry so much you can't breathe. you feel so alone as the tears fall, you wish so much that someone where there to hold you and tell you everything is going to be okay. that you will make it through. the human touch is so powerful, a simple hug during a time of hardship can help someone more than they could imagine.