Don’t say it, if you don’t mean it.

I hate, hate, hate, when someone says something like, “I promise I’ll do this…” or “I’ll call you…” or “I’m here if you need to talk…”

What makes me so mad is the fact that people say these things and then when you hold them to their word they back out. People say things all the time to me, I thought I had some pretty good friends, but it turned out to be that they just cared about themselves, and they say they are my friend but they don’t help. I can call someone when im having a break down and I feel like my whole world is crashing down and hope that, that one person helps me feel like its going to be okay.

Sometimes I have my days where I just want to leave and never come back, or I have my days where I am so down that I just want to fall off the face of the earth and never come back. I thought that losing David, and the way he took his life was the biggest hurt I was going to ever experience, but it just keeps going. People who I thought were friends, turned out to just be acquaintances. People, who said that they would be there for me, or come over or hang out to help me, don’t. I pick up the phone and call certain people and they don’t answer. Its not going to be like this forever.

I have my days that I wish God would just take me. That maybe something would happen and that I had an untimely early death, like a car accident, dirt bike accident or something like that… The pain caused by so many people is overwhelming sometimes. I’ve enrolled myself into counseling so I can talk about all my feelings and try to get them out. To try to cope in all of this and try to do things that will help heal myself. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be alone. I get scared. I feel like I don’t know what to do. Being in my house by myself is eerie to me. I have my days where I will just lay in bed all day and cry because I’m alone. It’s a scary feeling to feel like you have no one.

I also have my days that I feel like everything is a dream, and that this nightmare will go away, and David will walk through the door again, or I’ll wake up and he’ll be lying there. I don’t think I’ve ever coped with loss well. I don’t think I cope with death well. Sometimes I have these amazing dreams and when I wake up I want to tell him, but he’s not there. I sleep on his side of the bed like I always do when I miss him. It makes me feel closer to him, but it’s not the same as having him next to me. I’m trying to move on, and find new hobbies, go back to school, start working again.

Be independent.

I’ve never really had to take care of me much. I moved out when I was 19, lived with a female roommate for 3 months, moved in with my husband, got engaged, and married at 20, lost my husband at 21. A lot has happened, David had been taking care of me for 2 1/2 years. I depended on him, and he depended on me for emotional support. Now it’s just me, moving forward in my life… we will see what’s in store for my future and where everything leads me. Just another chapter in my life…


I just have to find a way to dance in the rain, and find the sunshine through the clouds.

starting over....

i have come to realize a couple things in life...

-I am no longer a military wife. I am a military widow.
-Your true friends will always be there.
-You realize how fake people are, and that those kind of people will stab you in the back.
-There will always be drama..
-There will always be somebody jealous of you, and spread rumors about you and talk behind your back.
-Guys are douchebags and are not worth time or energy.



its been a little over a month since david passed away. i have my good days and my bad days. one thing that never changes is that i miss him SOOOOO much. he was my best friend, the love of my life, and i fully believed we were going to be together forever. have kids, watch our kids have kids. make our parents grandparents. take vacations.

david passed away due to suicide. wow. i can't believe i can actually say it... but on july, 18, 2011, david in the comfort of our own home tried taking his life, by putting a bullet into his head. i still have yet to fathom this event.... why did it happen? he was so young and full of life. we had many more years to go... why did he leave me? why did he give up?

his death is a tragic story.

im not going to share intimate details of his story, because they are too painful for me to explain. the loss of my husband is the worst thing i have ever experienced, and i have experienced a lot in my life.


david was an exemplary soldier. he was the soldier kids looked up to and wanted to be. they wanted to be like ssg biehl. i heard it many times from his future soldiers. we'd run into them at walmart, or out walking around in some random place, he would take me to football games to meet the faculty and staff at skyview. he was a highly respected man. i am proud of him for his service to his country.


this blog is to track my life, starting over... to pick up the pieces and try to move on and remember all the good times that i had with david. he will always be a part of my life. people are just gonna have to deal with that!

i've been thinking about future relationships and such, i know i'm not ready to get in one, but i do know it will be difficult to find a guy that will be half the man that david was to me. i know the way things ended with him were not ideal, nor was it the best thing for me, and it bestowed a lot of tears, and hurt upon me. before all that though he was an amazing man, and he loved me with all his heart, and i loved him. i never knew what it was like to be in love and love someone that much until i met him.

it will also be difficult for the next guy that i date, because I'm really guarded, and i have a lot of baggage and not a lot of guys my age, or even older are able to deal with that. i have my moments that i am mature beyond my years of existence, and a lot more mature than guys. david was mature for his age as well, even though he had his immature moments.

i know i'm not the hottest, prettiest, most beautiful girl on the planet. i never have been, never will be. but i have a personality that outshines all of that. when i first met david i wasn't look for a relationship because i was trying to get my life on track, he helped me, he changed me. now i have to do that for myself again. he gave me the tools and the resources to do so. he taught me that being myself is amazing, and that anyone would love that. especially him. i have a high tolerance level for assholes. legitimately, i don't know what it is, but everybody i met asked me, "why are you dating or why are you married to him? he's the biggest asshole i've ever met." well lemme tell you, i like my guys that way! haha. my husband could be an asshole, but behind closed doors or with me, he was one of the sweetest guys i've ever met in my life, and had the honor of marrying.

i don't regret the past 2 1/2 years of my life. david made them amazing for me, and i hope i did that as well for him. we loved each other more that words could describe. i know there's a plan for me in my life, and i hope it honors him in a way that he would be proud of me. he will always be loved, and in my heart, forever. he was my first true love. hopefully in the future i can find someone that will help make me as happy as i was with him.

for now my plans are to go to school, become a CNA, then continue on to be an RN and we'll see where it goes from there...

right now i'm in san diego california with my bffer, tomorrow will be our last day here, and then on friday we will head home back to idaho. I'm not ready to go back, but its where my life is... for now.

that's all i have to say for now.


Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life. ~Herbert Otto